Turning Your Child into Angelina Jolie Will Only Cost $2 Million
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- Published on Wednesday, 30 November -0001 00:00
- Written by Vanity Fair
This is tough to talk about, maybe even taboo, but we’re in a safe space, where you can be honest. So, I’m just going to ask you: Is your kid a little disappointing? Like, maybe not all that smart, or talented, or interesting? And, if you’re honest—again, this is a safe place—is your child maybe a little less than good-looking, dismayingly so, perhaps? If that is something that worries you—and I suspect that there are many out there who quietly, secretly feel this way—fear not. You don’t have to be saddled with some homely dullard for the rest of your life. There is a way to fix this. And it will only cost you a little over $2 million.You see, there is a home for sale, 20 miles north of New York City, that can turn your child into something . . . wonderful. The home, in Palisades, Rockland County, New York, U.S.A., once belonged to Marcheline Bertrand, the mother of none other than Angelina Jolie. What’s more, Jolie spent five formative years living there as a child. So the house must be doing something right, it must possess some kind of power, to raise a person like Angelina Jolie.Talent? Check. Smarts? Check. Mysterious allure? Yup. Beauty? Duh. Angelina Jolie’s the real deal, and that all started to coalesce in this house, in Palisades. Sure, you might say, it actually happened at some point during her conception, but that’s just the basics of the recipe. The spice and flavoring comes later, as spongelike children absorb their surroundings. So there has to be something about this house, this lovely, secluded home that’s listed with Sotheby’s International, that helped turn her into a star.
And some lucky parent can buy it! They can move their kid in and watch as he or she goes from Joe Schmo or Plain Jane to Ange-freakin’-lina Jolie. One day, the kid, all heavy of brow and under of bite, will be stomping around in the mud and eating caterpillars. The next, it’ll be wearing satin cigarette pants and learning French. Before you move into the home in Palisades—also known as Snedens Landing—your kid will have bug eyes and stringy hair, always sticky with juice and snot, belching and banging on pots. But once you’re in the Magic House of Rockland County? That same kid, the very one, will be a radiant angel who’s concerned about the humanitarian crisis in South Sudan. Isn’t that worth $2.049 million? I say it is.Sure, at some point you’ll have to endure your child dating a few sketchy characters, and there may be one or two professional fumbles here and there. But the kid will eventually end up with Brad Pitt, and make lots of interesting career moves, whatever he or she chooses to do. And all the while he or she will remain, of course, strikingly beautiful. All because you, proud and conscientious parent, stopped living in a cave of inadequacy and moved into a palace of excellence. A temple of perfection conveniently located in the New York City metro area! One that is, I think, reasonably priced. We are talking about the future of your child here, after all.So what will it be? Who will your child become? Some buck-toothed ghoul who rides A.T.V.s and works for the cable company? Or, a fine-boned knockout who jet sets and speaks at the U.N.? It’s your choice to make. I’d urge you to choose wisely, though. And soon. This house—this nexus of exceptionalism in Snedens Landing—won’t be on the market forever.
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